Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Am I a Good Mother ??

Two years and ten months ago my little angel came to life, to change mine completely .. the wonder of the motherhood was overwhelming ,,i remember the first days of her life ,, the sleepless nights,, the feeding ,, changing nappies ,, the first smile .. and the guessing !!: does she looks like me ,, oh! she has her dad`s color of hair but she do look like me ..oh no she looks like my sister ,, she has Aladdin smile ..
months later i noticed a little white sparkling thing in her mouth ,, a tooth ,, waw subhanallah ,, it was such an amazing moment ,, later on, there was the hard food stage ,, mixing the vegetables and fruits and taking less milk...and so on ,, my dania `s growing process was (and still) a journey of joy and happiness.
i was working at the time so my mum was her actual mother ,, Dania would spend the whole day in my family house with mama ,, sometimes she would even spend the night there.. mum was amazing with her as she was with us when we were kids ... i was rest-minded knowing that who take care of my daughter was my lovely mum .. needless to say that by the time i started to depend on mama more anad more on dania`s care ...
one night last year i was preparing myself to come to England emptying dania`s stuff in boxes and folding her bed for storage ,,when i suddenly realized that i`m taking dania from her actual mama: my mama ... at the time my daughter was so close to mum that she would call her mama .. and i think to this date that Dania thinks that i`m her closest sister or something and that mama is our mum (both of us) and that sister and brothers are her siblings along with her dad !!!...
well back to that evening, i was puzzled ,, wondering if taking Dania with me would be the right decision ,, this will definitly break my mum`s heart ,, but i can`t live without her she is my soul ,, the hard decision was done ( with alot of support from mama herself) i took her away ..
first days in UK was as hard as anybody could imagine ,, it was my and Abubaker first contact with dania ( without family surrounding us) ,, i remember her callings to mama ,, her sleepless nights asking about mama , dad, brothers and sister.. her crying asking me to go to mama.. i was heartbroken,,crying most of the time ,, trying to hide my weakness from hubby ,,i was missing mama as well ..and dania was not there for help..
two months later i was just adjusting myself to this new life with our sweet spoiled dodo ..covering her with new clothes , new toys ,, and lots and lots of sweets and chips ,, it was my desperate way of saying i love you,,,,,
mum came to visit ,, mama was missing dania tremendously , but i was amazed by the reaction of little Dania ,, she jumped to hug mama and throughout the next days she was glued to mama as if she didn`t want her to go again...this visit was so important to me, mama and dania..
mama`s departure was so painful ... i always blame her for her unconditional love , her looking-after-each-person-attitude that makes us so dependent on her,, her non-stop-giving ,, and her hugs and cuddles it just makes us soo in love with this beautiful lady ,, and here again my baby was falling in love with her ...
after few months of struggling with dania`s mood ,, trying to mimic my mum`s food to please her ,, singing the same songs .. i reached a point where i started to ask myself : Am I a Good Mother? ... yes i`m trying but did i do what was expected from a mother? ,,, my mum dedicated her life to us .. mum was always there for us ,, she was and still over protective ,, she bought us our first books ,, she cooked our favourate food ,,, and to date mama is always there even for our cousins and family kids ,,
mama abandended her master studies because of us ,, she was accepted to study at the university of Rome to study philosophy ,, but for our sake she just withdrew her studies to take care of us ...
i`m not like her ,, i`m studying my masters leaving Dania for hours -to fulfill my dreams!- ... i go to gym which means extra hours away from her,, i use computer alot for study and for internet ,, leaving dania for hours playing alone ...
i may not cook today coz i`m tired ,, heating a ready made pizza would not impress mama ,, this is not how you treat your family... she may say..
i`m so lazy in training her on potty cause i`m busy with studies ,, prefering to wrap her with nappies (thank you pampers for size 5!!!) ...
i would arrange a day out to myself to see a movie or something prefering to leave dania with her dad coz ,, i just want to enjoy!!!
well ,, i love her to bits ,, she is my little angel ,, i really became addicted to her ,, when she is ill ,, i just feel heartbroken,, i hate seeing her crying,, i adore her smile... i like to sing with her uncle barnie`s song:
I love you.. you love me
we are happy family..
i like building lego houses with her ,, watching Madagascar movie with her .. dancing on the zamzamat songs (she is addicted to زمزامات و مصطفى بتير ) ,, reading her night time stories ..
i cherish every second spent with her ,,,she is the light of my soul .. it is just my inner guilt that makes me wonder whether i`m a good mother or not ,, a good mother.. just as mine...

love you mama

Dania`s mum

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Take That - Patience

nice video and great song